As i am reading and "picturing" myself in the stories from the Gospel of Mark, i keep asking which character do i most relate too, which person do i identify with. Unfortunately, i find myself most frequently resonating with the character in the story that exhibits a wavering faith.
In Mark 3, i saw myself as the man with the withered hand, and wonder why Jesus is picking on me. He didn't come seeking a miracle in my mind, but he was that was an unwilling participant in the struggle between Jesus and the Pharisees. A man claiming faith, but not %100 committed to trusting God.
In the story of Jesus calming the storm, i picture myself in the other boat. Jealous that i didn't get to be in Jesus' boat, i doubt what is going on and question the "disciples" account of the events.
Today's story of the raising of a dead girl and the healing of a woman, i relate best to one of the disciples who were so focused on getting Jesus to his next appointment, that these interruptions were annoying. The miracles that were happening were almost becoming ordinary, to such an extent that i could not celebrate them with the others.
In comparing my self-imposed place in these stories, i see a common thread. i do believe, but my sinful nature makes me skeptical and even apathetic to what God is doing daily in my life. i can rationalize the wonders of God's actions. i become jealous of others who are closer to God. i can isolate myself from what is really going on, and close off God's working in my life.
i am painfully aware of my unbelief, my old self, that sinful man that lives in my flesh. i believe; help my unbelief. That is why i am so thankful for the Catechism, that allows me daily to confess and know that i am forgiven. i awake and say the Lord's Prayer and recite the Creed. i make the sign of the cross and i am reminded that i have been baptized and the Old man is put to death. i do believe, not because of anything in me, but because of what God had done for me.
I am simil ustus et peccatr "At the same time Saint and Sinner."
Please add your own observations and comments. Lets talk about it!
This is me too very jealous of others I always want something more than what I don't have never content working on it in progress.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts David. I bet many people feel the same way. We are all to polite to admit it though. That is why i rejoice in the opportunity to weekly confess my guilt and shame, my pride and jealousy. Thanks be to God that He never fails to say "Your sins are forgiven you!"
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